I Have Seen The Enemy . . . And The Bitch Is Wearing My Shoes

Aka:  Watch out!  Here come my monsters.

I had heard of this happening—but I thought it was a yoga studio urban legend.  But I was wrong, fellow yogis, dead wrong.  And it happened to me today.

I stepped into my yoga class and low and behold this person walked in;  my arch enemy from my professional life.   Oh yeah—this is the person that I dread dealing with in my “outside the studio” life.  I can’t stand this person.  I mean in our professional world we can’t even stay in the same room together.  They are evil—I mean totally evil.  And here they were—smack dab in my yoga studio.

I was stunned.  Then I became furious.  After all, this was MY yoga studio—MINE!    I was here first.  I had all but urinated on the back corner by the stereo to mark my territory (and I was perfectly willing to actually do this if I thought it would help the situation).  Once in a while the Voice of Reason (italicized for the purposes of this blog) would pop into my head, but I was having none of it. 

  What was this person doing here?  (yoga?).  I’m sure this person got up that morning and thought of one more way to ruin my day “Hey, I think I’ll go to Jess’s yoga class at her yoga studio.”  (how did this person know I went there?) I don’t know.  Out of all the yoga studios in Sacramento, this person must have been stalking me for months, plotting to step into my yoga class, a class I desperately needed because I hadn’t been to a class in two weeks (really?  You hide it so well). Shut up Reason.   

And this person had the audacity to put their stupid body right behind me to the left so that every time I bent over, I had to look at them  (and there was a lot of bending over, thank you so much yoga-teacher- who-shall-remain-nameless).  It was a miserable class—MISERABLE!  My face was tight, my jaw was clenched tight (even in svasana).  I had to constantly be on my guard from the Evil One—my downward dog had to be better than theirs, my uttanasana had to be straighter, my silent meditation more serene, my constructive rest more constructive than theirs.    I left that class with a  tension headache and a pain in my jaw like no other.

After class I called my best friend who was horrified and suggested that I should have farted  at her in direct retaliation (that’s why she’s my best friend.  She’s so creative.).  Don’t think I hadn’t already thought of this.   Alas, one of the few God-Given talents which normally come so naturally to me failed me in the one moment I could have used it.   Plus, I’m not sure I couldn’t have executed the assault without taking down collateral damages in the form of innocent civilians, if you know what I mean.

Who really ruined your yoga class?  This other person did.  Did they?  Who really had the control here?   This person, I’m sure, had a marvelous class.  I am assured of this because basically this person is a classic narcissist (I’m not just saying that because of my hatred toward them, it’s actually really true.  You can ask a variety of people who knows them—I will supply a list upon request).  So I have a feeling they didn’t even notice my glowering or intimidating down-dogs.  And this person did not look at me once—NOT ONCE.  (So now who’s the narcissist?)  So who really ruined my yoga? 

So, damn it .  I was stuck with the revelation that the Universe was trying to tell me something.  And I have a feeling the lesson was more about me than the putz-head who came to class today.   There is an old Jewish mystical story—“Every blade of grass has an angel that hovers over it and whispers, “Grow!  Grow!”   And I’m pretty sure next time I see this person in yoga class, I will have a message from the Voice of Reason.  And I’m pretty sure it will be Grow!  Grow!

*  I realize my own biases against this person have colored the way I portrayed them in this blog.  I’m sure this person is really not this bad.  No, actually they are this bad.  But I’m sure there are people who actually like this person, like maybe their mother or their spouse or some nun who had to take a vow of liking people.  Someone.

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