The holidays suck. Simply put: suck. So for those of you who work with me, or live next to me, below are my ten wishes for Christmas.
- No, I do not want to go to another stupid potluck. I work with you every day. Why do I need to celebrate that?
- “White elephant” is a euphemism for “garage sale”. Just because you give me your unwanted crap at a Christmas party does not make it funny or entertaining.
- You couldn’t sing before December and you can’t sing now.
- No, I will not feel “holiday inclusivity” just because you wish me Happy Hanukkah or put a Menorah next to the office Christmas tree. I still have to face your bell-ringing Santa every time I leave the house.
- Just because you slap a Santa hat on something does not make it cute.
- Be Warned: I will kick over the 6-foot glow-in-the-dark Christmas cartoon characters on your front lawn. And I will do so no matter how many times you put it back up.
- Do not give me a plate of your grandmother’s secret recipe holiday treats. Just don’t. They really aren’t good for my dog.
- There is no snow in Sacramento, CA. All the fake snow on your lawn looks like a catastrophic dandruff attack.
- Do not ask me what I will be doing during the holidays. I will be doing the same thing you will be doing—painfully enduring multiple dinners with my relatives and feigning excitement over the waste-of-a-credit-card-swipe presents they give me. The only difference is that I admit the pain and torture of this ritual and you celebrate it.
- And finally, when you read this, DO NOT say something stupid about me being a Grinch. Grinch is a step up from where I am at in holiday spirit. Just say “bitch” and get it over with.
Happy F-ing Holidays!
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